Let's get out of this fucking film

So I started this blog with a review of the strongest contender possibly ever for the accolade of "what a shit film"; well last night I had a first hand encounter with another competitor despearate for the title of "AWFUL THING" (note, not even film, just THING).

Yes, last night I went to see "PREDATORS".

Now I love these sort of crappy action films so really I am not being entirely honest. Don't get me wrong, this film was terrible, but it was still very entertaining, so it will never topple Sex and the Shite 2 from it's mantle, so well done to the makers of Predators.

So I was in no way dragged against my will, I practically dragged my friend if anything. But I was under a mis-conception. Having only recently seen the originial "Predator" and never any of the sequels or predators fighting aliens fighting twilight vampires etc etc, so I had presumed this was just a remake of the original. When someone asked me why I was going to see Predators I had the ultimate response - how could it not be like the first one, but 3 x better!
My reasons are as follows:

1) The first one was great, granted, but Arnie is basically a block of wood with a german accent, therefore this one would be like the first (ie great) but without a talking block of wood - hurrah!
2) It wasn't made in the 80s
3) Predators = MORE THAN ONE PREDATOR

So it wasn't set to disappoint. Unfortunately, it did.
Things started to go downhill in the adverts - every advert was either for lucozade, other sports drinks and generally MAN THINGS, all nicely seperated with one "Nivea anti-ageing cream", it was about as out of place as a pork pie at a vegan conference.

Then the actual trailers, none of which I can remember apart from one, PIRRANAHS. I won't ramble on about this suffice to say that I left Predators talking more about how much I wanted to see Pirranahs than the film Predators which I had just seen. It looks awesome, basically lots and lots of mini Jaws-esque fish reaping havoc. So like Jaws, but with pirranahs. I for one, can't wait, and nor can this blog.

So already I had resigned myself that however hard Predators tried, this film wasn't going to be as good as Pirranahs. Still, I'd paid my extorinate ticket, I would stay.

Well these hopes pretty soon disolved when I placed the main guy (as in major beefcake, talking 3 ocataves lower than his normal voice, reallly sounds like he needs a good phlegm) as the emancipated dude from The Pianist. Well that sealed the deal. From then on, whenever any of his other moronic "why the fuck are we stuck on this island dude" companions asked him what he did in his real life I was forever expecting:

"I'm a pianist"

Also, whenever he said something really hardcore and manly like:

"I'm going to kill this motherfucking alien" this seemed like it should be followed by "and then I'm going to play the piano"

Just too confusing for me. Too many conflicting genres in one action film.

There were also many irritating inconsistencies for a pedant like me. Without giving away too many details of the extraordinarily complex plot there was one point when the pianist, sorry, I mean beefcake basically asked the Predator for a favour. This irritated me. I mean, he really took a PRETTY BIG FUCKING GAMBLE on the presumption that this alien from out of space understood English. Fortunately for him, it seemed to, but I still maintain if he'd chucked the odd 'lol' into the chat he would have really livened things up a bit. Or maybe even drawn a smiley face on the ground, with a stick.

Also there was the standard plot twist of classic, good, likeable character suddenly turns bad and how do you know this? Oh he changes his voice. Of course, the mark of an evil person, the change in voice from teeny high school musical timbre to one which implies that I'm going to stab you repeatedly. What a life lesson I was taught. I now know that if someone can change their voice to something bearing no resemblance to their actual voice... well the chances are they're a psychopath and they want to kill you. I would recommend running away.

Well this really summed up the many many stupid points of this film. However, despite its many many flaws, I surprsingly didn't find myself too bored (impressive for me, I have the attention span of a gnat) so for that reason when the final impressively badly written line of:

"lets get off this fucking island"

was uttered, I wasn't too disappointed that this signified the end but I wasn't too relieved either. It hadn't lived up to my expectations - but it had brought my closer to my new goal, Pirranahs. Can't wait.